Life , In Waves

" I thought that I knew love
But it was just a wave crashing over us
And in the breaths between the ones we meant to breathe
I had my head under my feet
You knew the way things were
You knew the way they would be
We knew exactly how it'd end

Strays on a stale sea
Oh anchor the engine to a canyon far beneath
Water rushed up from the boards below
So I started slicking my hair with the kerosene
You knew the way things were
You knew the way they would be
We knew exactly how it'd end

And I'm preparing for a burial at sea
But I can see the lighthouse
Yet I'm praying that these waters don't take me
'Cause I can see the lighthouse "

Waves, The Dear Hunter

a wall, the forest, and a dream

Walls have gotten a bad rep recently, 

What with donald trump touting that his wall will be good, and it being associated with his vilification of mexicans.

It wasn't always this way though.

Walls used to be pretty good. 

I mean, we don't necessarily appreciate them the way that people in ancient times did. 

Anyway, I was thinking about walls and i came up with a little story. 

So here it is. 

________________________________________________________________

I had a dream one night where I befriended a wall. 

It began simply enough. 

I was sat opposite a wall, in a forest. 

It was a little bizarre, to think I was sitting and staring at a wall. 

Strange enough that I was in a forest, let alone sat plainly in front of a wall. 

I greet the wall. 

"hello there" 

It's a wall. What would I expect? 

It stays silent. 

Its aura foreboding, yet calm. 

 I ask the wall, 

"Is there anything you want from me?" 

It simply stood there, saying nothing. 

Its' silence felt poignant. 

So there I sat, wondering what I should do about it. 

I go home, and get in bed. 

I didn't think of the wall all of the next day,

but as the sun went down, 

I lay awake, thinking again, of the wall in the forest.

The next week, 

I found myself sat in front of the wall, staring once again. 

Now I am thinking, 

'Why is there even a wall here?' 

 This night is different, I hear the wall whisper to me. 

"Build Yourself" 

 Taken aback by hearing the wall make a sound, I am in slight awe. 

'Build myself? I am just a man, how could I be a wall?' 

Sat there, I pondered at what it could have meant, 

imagining building a wall myself, 

or even, to build myself into a wall.

As I leave, I look at the wall. 

I acknowledge it, 

I respect it as a monument in itself. 

Full of meaning, yet cold as the stone from which it was built. 

I return home, thinking of what it means to build myself. 

Months pass and I don't think of the wall.

Not at all.

Til one fateful night, 

I return to the wall.  

Looking at the wall, I realise.

It is painted! 

This once unassuming wall now shines with its own exuberance.

Examining the wall, I remember the cold stone facade.

Those cold nights where I sat in comfort and in awe, 

Opposite the same wall.

I see it painted in the colors it chose; bright and vibrant,

Glowing radiantly as light dances and gently bounces off its skin. 

I stand there, looking at a wall. 

With the pale moonlight shining vaguely off of it, 

As the wall becomes one with the night. 

Ever steady, ever strong.

a system of control.

What should remain unchanged? 

How does knowledge of what should remain unchanged lend to our knowledge and understanding towards improving our mechanisms of re-regulation to provide sufficient observational protocols for certain variables? 

if something is not as it should be, it should be within our capacity to perceive and understand the source of the deviation, the justifications and reasons that it is not as how we are considering it should be at any moment.

hence, knowledge of paths and their deviation sources, and methods of what variables should be controlled, seems somewhat of importance. 

forgive me, i just watched a youtube video on control systems after reading an article about quantum supercomputing and thought about its sensitivities. call it nerd-landia.

i went to war last night

I went to war last night 

With an automatic weapon, don't nobody call a medic I'ma do it 'til I get it right 

 

I went to war last night 

I've been dealing with depression ever since an adolescent 

Duckin' every other blessin' 

I can never see the message 

I could never take the lead, 

I could never bob and weave 

From a negative and letting them annihilate me 

And it's evident I'm moving at a meteor speed 

Finna run into a building, lay my body in the street 

 Keep my money in the ceiling, let my mama know I'm free 

Give my story to the children and a lesson they can read 

And the glory to the feeling of the holy unseen 

Seen enough, make a motherfucker scream, "I love myself!"

- i, by kendrick lamar

i'm an adult now

well it's 2019 my dudes, and here I am.

worked for a year, it was dope. did some growing up learning to be an adult.

i'm 26 this year and yo i'm getting married son!!!

I feel like I have this sentimental attachment to this blog, considering I grew up blogging, so it almost feels weird that i'm writing about getting engaged to my girlfriend??

but yeah, we're getting married in july mofugs so that's what my 2019 is shaping up to be.

marriage lol, who'd have thought 

in some ways I don't feel like i'm enough of an adult to get married, and it felt a bit early.. 

but it's been 7 years and I love the girl, so why not right?

being an adult is cool.

i mean like damn dude i've been blogging since I was a kid and it was always like a side-act to my life, something almost connected to my identity as an extension of my personality.

but it's like as the world and the internet evolved, blogging got more and more obsolete.

it's not like a bad thing or anything, it's just that other forms of expression came up, like twitter and instagram..

anyway, consider this a catch-up with my blog, even though technically this is the last place anyone would come to for updates.

I think, I just liked blogging so much and talking crap on here that I come back, and write a little poop on the internet. yeah, i'm pooping and putting it up for the internet to see.

you know who you are

so poop on, my readers. poop proudly, poop bravely, and make sure you never regret your poo because every poo you do, was truly a piece of you. you piece of poo.

shout out to long time fans, what's up to new fans, like and subscribe, i'll blog again someday, i'm sure of it.

or just follow me on twitter already i feel like i'm doing something suspicious by writing on here LOL\\

peace out bijs and brehs

-anwar 2k19

a meditation

what is freedom?

is freedom relative to an ideal or desired state of being?
is it then, defined by obstacles preventing you from being free? 

does freedom have more to do with our desired state of being; 

bliss? to be loved, cared for? respect?
or more to do with what we desire to do? 

see the world? experience new things? be fancy?

if we desire to be in another state of being...
what defines your desire? 

my life and personality???? or is it literally our senses

are we imprisoned by wealth and material objects? (and the lack thereof)
are wealth and material possessions considered to be obstacles? who asked u to exist, bish

hm.
what else is there tho..