the new avengers movie is out in a few months, that should be good

 i have not blogged in two years

by now, i am a completely different person from then, and am different from any person that i have ever been before. i am now anwar_april_2026

this is simply the nature of our existence. we are Never The Same Again!

hm.

so... i was thinkin bout like... a tambourine right... so its got all those cymbals on it or whatever those little disc things are or whatever you would call them, and i was like, oh a tambourine, like the song tambourine man, where the tambourine man plays a song right. it's like one of those things, where in songs they ask a guy to do a song for them. kind of. well i'm thinking of holy diver where dio says 'sing me a song, you're a singer'... kind of

anyway, i had a point writing this post but can't remember what it was.

hmmmmmmm it was like

oh okay,

it's like, we're traumatised by previous incarnations of ourselves. kind of.

it's like, we're traumatised into evolving. like that's weird right

like i'm for real though. if you were like, a person who lived your life being a hoe and were traumatised by being a hoe and being treated like one, would you not try to Not Be A Hoe in a future lifetime?

what about all of the potential qualities you could have had as Not A Hoe?

Then again, if you Were a hoe, then wouldn't you be married to all the things that encompasses being a Hoe, like being Dumb? makes you think about what we consider the truth and the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better. does that even exist? what if it essentially both exists and doesn't exiat, because we don't even have the conscious ability to consider what lies we tell ourselves, lest we find what lies exist and the sources of them, which had been repressed into the backs of our minds to prevent our fragile mind from being able to consider, so that we don't completely break down into a puddle of tears.

Puddle of tears... suddenly puddle of mudd popped into my mind.

even a puddle of mudd is an object of our inter-incarnation trauma. but i guess the weird thing about a puddle of mudd is that on the flipside, there is a puddle of mudd which we'd be more than happy to play in, if we were a child in a world where societal standards and ideals didn't exist.. which is almost ironic, because as a child it's arguable that societal standards and ideals exist... which is weird because they don't until we will them into existence... unless we do have those standards... In Our Bones or like randomly by happenstance or whatsoever/what so have you.... et cetera....

anyway, my point was... idk... anyway, i was also thinking about masculinity right, like we have injerently contrived ideas of what masculinity is, and i was like, oh, masculinity is also contextual. which i guess is weird now that i think about it. because contextual doesn't seem to be the right word for me anymore..

i guess what i was trying to say was that masculinity exists as like a way to exist in any particular circumstance....

anyway, i'm bored of writing about what i was talking about.

let's see if i can start fresh and do what i was trying to do.

ok, soooo lets see. whats life like? well life's pretty shit actually. in a way, i thought the other day that wow my life's been shit all this while, but now that i'm here it's like nah, there were definitely some good times in life. but then again it gets set off balance by how dumb those times really were.

life is just a series of dumb times, Don't You Know It Yet?

speaking of a puddle of tears, what about a puddle of Fears?

Anyway, i guess what i'm feeling is like, being 33, i am now an old man. a shell of my former self, all of the things in life have come and go, passed me by like a hoe without a customer... it's self explanatory.

therefore, some things that are profound and also very simple.

speaking of hoes, remember amsterdam having hoes in windows and its sick because youre young and a virgin? gosh. what an absurd proposition. hoe in a window? lol. wonder what would happen if you bought one of them a coffee. like Hoes Are People Too, they would probably enjoy some coffee right?

well you;re probably WRONG, becuase you probably can't buy them some coffee because You Could Get Arrested For That, for the safety of the hoes, because we don't want some rando giving coffee to the hoes, In Case There Is Poison In It. 

some people live their whole life They Are Hoes... imagine that... 

I want to write about the Sea too! ... sorry i digress, i was reading a bit of this book which i bought which i had read when i was a child, a book called Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman. really really great book. inspiring. i had it on the table by the toilet in the bathroom where i kept most of the books i was reading. Back then, reading on the toilet was one of the best things ever. as good as today's ipads and smartphones, but not as good as the computer. because when i wasn't on the toilet reading, i would be at the computer, listening to music and seeing people's art and reading bizarre stories, on the internet, beccause all sorts of bizarre things happened all over the world, it was simply the times. 

i guess when you think about it the world was at a crossroads, no? torn between their wife, a world of technology where nothing was ever the same or anything was ever how it had ever existed at any time ever in the history of everything, and the past, where everything was old, nothing was ever different, and nothing ever changed, because there was no reason for anything to change and there was never ever anymore, anything that happened that had not already happened.

So it is, the experience of being human. almost absurd. the audacity of borning me into such a time, such a place, such a world. born anew, where All is Gay and So Are You.

mournful... reincarnation... what a pitiful existence... i am not real, i am only a product of that which has already existed, already run its course, already filled with the knowledge of the disappointment, absurdity, ludicrousness and insanity of life...

WHAT MORE IS THERE!!!

well... the new avengers movie is out in a couple months, that should be good...

Ah, I remember now how it feels to post another post after a good blog post. It's like inevitably covering a good piece of work with another simply because it just feels right, ironically causing it to feel so wrong

Hi blog,

Do you understand what it is I'm trying to say in my title? If you did understand it, then congratulations, i'm proud of you.

I just wrote a great piece on my quarter life crisis, and now I'm here again, bombarding your senses with another blog post simply because I feel that more needs to be said about... whatever it is that I was rambling on about in my last post.

Anyway, do you sense the veiled passive aggression that people live their lives with?

Or were their poor souls instead doomed to live with the senseless bipolarity of being forced to live their lives in a way that they don't 100% agree with?

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and people are simply forced to live that way once they reach a certain age.

It's hilarious, bizarre, absurd and surreal that we simply were forced to transition into a working professional life at 28-30 years old. 

It's bizarre once it sets in, but the whole thing stinks of Orwell and Foucault. Almost like they had a diseased bloodlust filled child that simply sacrificed the whole generation without anyone even expecting it.

Lovely. Well written and well said, if I do say so myself, about myself.

another quarter life crisis

 Hi blog,

I'm feeling weird tonight. I wrote a private journal entry and came up with 8 reasons why I feel weird, some of which I'll share here.

Please forgive me if I end up saying that things are weird a lot, because basically the reason I came here is because I felt weird and I realised that I have so many reasons to feel weird. Hence my calling it a quarter life crisis, because normally, things aren't this weird.

You know what's weird? I'm quite sure that nobody will read this.

Anyway, without further ado.

It's kind of weird, being 30 years old.

First of all, all of your friends are scattered among a wide variety of very different places, living vastly different lives. 

Next, we have an even stronger obligation to keep to ourselves all that has to do with personality, and we don't necessarily have an outlet for expression. In this void we have instead a new meaning of social presence, which is... basically linkedin.

Next, we are moving onwards and forwards in our life, whether we like it or not, because of the inevitability of time itself, which is weird, because regardless of what pace it is that you live your life in, we are bound to the ever-ticking metronome of time, and all that comes with it.

I've started a LinkedIn... albeit much later than I should have, and it's weird.For a number of reasons.

First of all, gone are the old days when Personality was the main attribute with which we weigh our existence as social beings. It's no longer about what you care about, it's all about what you care about in the work or professional context. Which is weird, because that in itself is arguably a front, a facade, a sectionalised portion of our 'whole'.
Unless of course it turns out that it's true that people have truly devoted a large chunk of their persona, or even all of it, to their professional and working life.

Which wouldn't be all that surprising, considering how Work is kind of a definitive point in many people's lives nowadays.

Of course, it's a little weird for me, as I haven't caved into the peer pressure of professional working life.

And it IS like a pressure cooker of peer pressure, if you ask me, because it's a real thing that happens to a lot of people, whereby they sever off what was left of a social personality, and replace it with the hollow yet non-hollow work persona, one of sharing 'company activities, celebrating having a work life and world, et cetera'.

Even worse, people get on LinkedIn way early in their work life and it becomes their whole self, leaving no room for nuance and silliness, which I find so strange because during all that time that people were transforming into working professionals, I spent on instagram and twitter (rip twitter btw), because I had nothing better to do 

note: my linkedin would've been great if I had the time, energy, effort and resources to build it into something... ...you know what ditto that for my career too. But I digress, because regardless of how much my old self would bash it, it would be madness to question the legitimacy of LinkedIn.

(even though there's still a part of me that tells me that something deeper exists within the spectrum of power and the laws of physics that LinkedIn has defied)

Anyway, it's weird to be in this transitionary phase, where people are all becoming full fledged adults, and I'm still here, being swag and gaining little achievements in the form of clout by being cool and good with words and what not. You know why it's weird? Because it's Real, but it ceases to be real once the other real world (professional working life) sets in. And boy has that other 'real world' set in.

It's as though the foundations of old life as we know it begin to erode, leaving all that used to be in ruins, while the 'professional life' era begins, and it has begun for many, for quite some time now.

I almost feel like it's time for a renaissance of sorts, like there'll be a revolution which spurs us into the next era, as though we all would have some uniting cause that would bring us back together as a people, with the fires in our souls lit and burning brightly. 

It's weird though, because that happens from time to time, it's just that recently it has been lacking.

Anyway, I know it's paradoxical in a way, and strange in another way, but I feel like this blog post has meant all that it has needed to mean for me to truly flesh out all the meaning which I had sought to express. 

Like, there's still more that I feel needs to be fleshed out in the form of blogging, but for now I'll leave it here, ending on a melancholy note about the arbitrariness of those lives we lived with passion in our heart and fire in our fingers, as users of a communal internet.

So I shall bid you farewell for now. and if nobody read this, *which i'm sure nobody will*

adios, motherlovers and party people

Also yes, you could say LinkedIn brought me to a quarter life crisis rant.

Hallelujah

Bye.

blue

saturday night and i'm feeling quite blue,

the same way i do, when i think of you

feelings that come from the back of my mind,

same feelings that come, feels like every time

i wonder how you feel when you think of me,

wondering still, if i'm your cup of tea

or whether thoughts withered of what we could be

because i'm on my own now, as blue as the sea

a thank you note

 thank you for being the best thing that ever happened in my life.

thank you for being kindness, for being true, for being real, and for loving me.

thank you for all the moments, thank you for every breath, thank you for every moment.

I hope you'll remember the love we had, and the life together that we could have lived.

I really do.

 

Life , In Waves

" I thought that I knew love
But it was just a wave crashing over us
And in the breaths between the ones we meant to breathe
I had my head under my feet
You knew the way things were
You knew the way they would be
We knew exactly how it'd end

Strays on a stale sea
Oh anchor the engine to a canyon far beneath
Water rushed up from the boards below
So I started slicking my hair with the kerosene
You knew the way things were
You knew the way they would be
We knew exactly how it'd end

And I'm preparing for a burial at sea
But I can see the lighthouse
Yet I'm praying that these waters don't take me
'Cause I can see the lighthouse "

Waves, The Dear Hunter

a wall, the forest, and a dream

Walls have gotten a bad rep recently, 

What with donald trump touting that his wall will be good, and it being associated with his vilification of mexicans.

It wasn't always this way though.

Walls used to be pretty good. 

I mean, we don't necessarily appreciate them the way that people in ancient times did. 

Anyway, I was thinking about walls and i came up with a little story. 

So here it is. 

________________________________________________________________

I had a dream one night where I befriended a wall. 

It began simply enough. 

I was sat opposite a wall, in a forest. 

It was a little bizarre, to think I was sitting and staring at a wall. 

Strange enough that I was in a forest, let alone sat plainly in front of a wall. 

I greet the wall. 

"hello there" 

It's a wall. What would I expect? 

It stays silent. 

Its aura foreboding, yet calm. 

 I ask the wall, 

"Is there anything you want from me?" 

It simply stood there, saying nothing. 

Its' silence felt poignant. 

So there I sat, wondering what I should do about it. 

I go home, and get in bed. 

I didn't think of the wall all of the next day,

but as the sun went down, 

I lay awake, thinking again, of the wall in the forest.

The next week, 

I found myself sat in front of the wall, staring once again. 

Now I am thinking, 

'Why is there even a wall here?' 

 This night is different, I hear the wall whisper to me. 

"Build Yourself" 

 Taken aback by hearing the wall make a sound, I am in slight awe. 

'Build myself? I am just a man, how could I be a wall?' 

Sat there, I pondered at what it could have meant, 

imagining building a wall myself, 

or even, to build myself into a wall.

As I leave, I look at the wall. 

I acknowledge it, 

I respect it as a monument in itself. 

Full of meaning, yet cold as the stone from which it was built. 

I return home, thinking of what it means to build myself. 

Months pass and I don't think of the wall.

Not at all.

Til one fateful night, 

I return to the wall.  

Looking at the wall, I realise.

It is painted! 

This once unassuming wall now shines with its own exuberance.

Examining the wall, I remember the cold stone facade.

Those cold nights where I sat in comfort and in awe, 

Opposite the same wall.

I see it painted in the colors it chose; bright and vibrant,

Glowing radiantly as light dances and gently bounces off its skin. 

I stand there, looking at a wall. 

With the pale moonlight shining vaguely off of it, 

As the wall becomes one with the night. 

Ever steady, ever strong.

a system of control.

What should remain unchanged? 

How does knowledge of what should remain unchanged lend to our knowledge and understanding towards improving our mechanisms of re-regulation to provide sufficient observational protocols for certain variables? 

if something is not as it should be, it should be within our capacity to perceive and understand the source of the deviation, the justifications and reasons that it is not as how we are considering it should be at any moment.

hence, knowledge of paths and their deviation sources, and methods of what variables should be controlled, seems somewhat of importance. 

forgive me, i just watched a youtube video on control systems after reading an article about quantum supercomputing and thought about its sensitivities. call it nerd-landia.

i went to war last night

I went to war last night 

With an automatic weapon, don't nobody call a medic I'ma do it 'til I get it right 

 

I went to war last night 

I've been dealing with depression ever since an adolescent 

Duckin' every other blessin' 

I can never see the message 

I could never take the lead, 

I could never bob and weave 

From a negative and letting them annihilate me 

And it's evident I'm moving at a meteor speed 

Finna run into a building, lay my body in the street 

 Keep my money in the ceiling, let my mama know I'm free 

Give my story to the children and a lesson they can read 

And the glory to the feeling of the holy unseen 

Seen enough, make a motherfucker scream, "I love myself!"

- i, by kendrick lamar

i'm an adult now

well it's 2019 my dudes, and here I am.

worked for a year, it was dope. did some growing up learning to be an adult.

i'm 26 this year and yo i'm getting married son!!!

I feel like I have this sentimental attachment to this blog, considering I grew up blogging, so it almost feels weird that i'm writing about getting engaged to my girlfriend??

but yeah, we're getting married in july mofugs so that's what my 2019 is shaping up to be.

marriage lol, who'd have thought 

in some ways I don't feel like i'm enough of an adult to get married, and it felt a bit early.. 

but it's been 7 years and I love the girl, so why not right?

being an adult is cool.

i mean like damn dude i've been blogging since I was a kid and it was always like a side-act to my life, something almost connected to my identity as an extension of my personality.

but it's like as the world and the internet evolved, blogging got more and more obsolete.

it's not like a bad thing or anything, it's just that other forms of expression came up, like twitter and instagram..

anyway, consider this a catch-up with my blog, even though technically this is the last place anyone would come to for updates.

I think, I just liked blogging so much and talking crap on here that I come back, and write a little poop on the internet. yeah, i'm pooping and putting it up for the internet to see.

you know who you are

so poop on, my readers. poop proudly, poop bravely, and make sure you never regret your poo because every poo you do, was truly a piece of you. you piece of poo.

shout out to long time fans, what's up to new fans, like and subscribe, i'll blog again someday, i'm sure of it.

or just follow me on twitter already i feel like i'm doing something suspicious by writing on here LOL\\

peace out bijs and brehs

-anwar 2k19

a meditation

what is freedom?

is freedom relative to an ideal or desired state of being?
is it then, defined by obstacles preventing you from being free? 

does freedom have more to do with our desired state of being; 

bliss? to be loved, cared for? respect?
or more to do with what we desire to do? 

see the world? experience new things? be fancy?

if we desire to be in another state of being...
what defines your desire? 

my life and personality???? or is it literally our senses

are we imprisoned by wealth and material objects? (and the lack thereof)
are wealth and material possessions considered to be obstacles? who asked u to exist, bish

hm.
what else is there tho..

is this ok

whats up blog
woke up today dizzy with nausea and a fever, feeling like death

but i had wendys so its cool

time

omg remember when we used to blog about good music and movies and boring personal life things

remember rememberberries??????

hnngghh growing old is like accumulating all this pop culture knowledge until its irrelevance causes an implosion and then you're just like "ah, where did the time go?"
and then one day you'll be like hey remember when kanye named his kid north west
or like hey remember all the amazing music that came out from all those amazing artists???

maybe the infrequent visits to blogs made it make less sense to review new and/or current music?
like, looking at the frequency of the posts on here, these look like an occasional occurrence, with posts few and far in between, almost resembling some sense of importance.

then again, were personal blogs just online journals or diaries whose existence fed on morbid fascination with another person's life and way of expressing themselves???

nice.

are blogs and posts like dead horses that we cling to tightly because we loved those horses?
who started this blogging thing anyway
im thinking anne frank, you're thinking herodotus

the terrible silence

it came and went, like a storm;
leaving havoc in its trail, moving onwards on its journey

we watched it go, like a train derailed
staring so greedily, hoping to be touched
until it came close enough to burn
and there was nowhere to go

like a brilliant spark, so quick and so bright
our brightest day has turned dark
for all the jokers and all the whores
to begin again. ANOTHER EPIC POEM BY ANWAR IHSANZ

the blog

whoa what's good, blood?\\ <- (subculture i missed out on and don't fully understand)

you know what's weird?
people don't blog anymore, and blogging used to be like an extension of your personality
.
.
.
w e   h a v e   n o   p e r s o n a l i t y
.
.
.
just kidding
.
.
.
e v e r y t h i n g   y o u   d o   i s   y o u r   p e r s o n a l i t y 

2018, happy new year

remember when i blogged about not having anything to blog about
remember when i actually used this blog
remember when this blog actually used me O.o

ides of march

months passed, and he did not continue to write on his blog as he always thought he would
time passes, routines change, different priorities take weight

i wonder why it is that i stopped writing on my blogs.
what was it that brought me here, on a seemingly endless quest to contemplate life
maybe it was the thinking of life that drove me away

a lot of times i regret deleting my old blog. there were a lot of memories there;
snapshots of another time that i can't really go back to anymore

in a way it feels like i'm moving on with my life,
but to what extent does moving on require leaving a past version of yourself?

i tell myself, 'yeah, time passes, and i am moving on with my life'
but where am i going?

it's kind of funny though, i always enjoyed reading through my past and seeing it through new eyes
now all i've got is the idea of what i once was